sortiwa
[ad_1]
Welcome to the 2020 Fiver Christmas Awards. We’ve long lost count of how many times we’ve done this, so don’t be expecting us to furnish you with a number now. All we know is, it’s been too many. You know it too. But despite the grinding familiarity and futility of it all, despite the absolute state of 2020, we go again. It’s a time-honoured festive tradition, see, like crackers, carols and government U-turns. So here it is, merry Christmas, everybody’s trudging on. Charge your glass with a generous shot of your cheapest aftershave, top it up with a little turps, dig out the packet of tablets you should have taken for your bad back a few months ago but decided to save for the holidays, and sink into a gorgeous haze of delight, the better to deal with the next few minutes of existence. Enjoy, enjoy.
THE DAVID COOTE AWARD FOR VAR-RELATED BUZZKILL
Here we are, then, with every single celebration now compromised, fans and players alike wondering what minute infraction, invisible to the naked eye, will be discovered by some glaikit po-faced bureaucrat desperate to find any reason whatsoever to spoil everyone’s fun. Are we allowed to celebrate yet? Just look at Scotland hero David Marshall, forced to wait for the check after his heroic penalty save against Serbia, the natural rhythm of the most euphoric moment of his career all jiggered. We could blame the officials who spend hours measuring the length of everyone’s armpit hair while missing manic career-threatening lunges, or the mandarins who signed off on all this technology in the first place. But this one goes to all the pompous techno-pedants who know the price of everything but the value of nothing, and proselytised for this fiasco for years. This is all on them. Pieces of work, every single one.
THE LIONEL MESSI AWARD FOR BIGGEST FALLEN GIANT
Granny Fiver remembers a time long ago, back in the 70s and 80s, when Barcelona were nothing more than a risible disgrace, tooling around kicking lumps out of folk , making a perennial show of themselves in Europe, straggling miles behind Real Sociedad in the league. Hey, at least they had no fancy notions. Now here we all are again, with the self-styled superclub trailing the Basques in La Liga by six points, having already lost to both Madrid clubs, minnows Cádiz, and Getafe, who are less a football club, more an abrupt exhortation to do one. But of course it all palls in comparison to that 8-2, a match during which Bayern Munich could quite feasibly have scored 13 or 14 goals. Barça more than a club all right. Més que un shower.
THE DOMINIC CUMMINGS AWARD FOR FRONTING UP LIKE A MAN
As captain of Manchester United, Harry Maguire clocked up more than 200 hours of brutally honest post-match deconstruction, in which he held up his hands, fronted up, promised to do better and admitted it isn’t good enough for a club like Manchester United. Every minute of it delivered in a serious tone while wearing the Politician’s Frown of Grave Concern. Bravura performances.
THE KENT COUNTY COUNCIL AWARD FOR ADROIT LORRY MANOEUVERABILITY
And it’s another gong for £80m Harry Maguire!
THE LEEDS-BLACKEYE ROVERS-LEICESTER AWARD FOR DETERMINED TITLE DEFENCE
Hats off to Liverpool, whose absurd 7-2 defeat at Aston Villa was so comprehensive, Jack Grealish could have played most of the game wearing a slipper on one foot and a sandal on the other, just as he did when he had his collar felt during lockdown. It was the worst result suffered by a reigning champion in the top flight since Arsenal lost 7-1 at Sunderland in 1953. Speaking of which …
THE ERIC CANTONA AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN CUSTOMER CARE
Eric Dier, who calmly strode into the stands at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium with a view to engaging in Socratic dialogue with someone flapping their neck a bit too freely. Imagine the look on our brave critic’s face as a six-foot-two professional athlete bounded purposefully over row after row of seats, breathing through his nose, with a view to delivering a what-for! The Fiver pictures Withnail, seconds after asking who in the Mother Black Cap had called Marwood a “perfumed ponce”.
THE ROBBIE SAVAGE AWARD FOR FILLING THE AIRWAVES WITH NONSENSE
Before the recent Palace-Spurs match, Mr Roy, a man pathologically averse to using 10 words when a thousand will do, was asked for his opinion of the in-form duo of Harry Kane and Son Heung-min. “They’re just good players. Good players are good players, and good players are good players.” An insight into the philosophies and intellectual processes that have stood him in good stead during all those trophy-laden years at Halmstads and Malmö, to Orebo to Neuchatel Xamax, to the Swiss national team and beyond.
THE RICHARD NIXON AWARD FOR VALEDICTORY SPEECH OF THE YEAR
The one José Mourinho has already composed in his head, word for word, to be delivered when Spurs win the title next May. A smorgasbord of tasty items best served cold.
THE PETER ALLISS MEMORIAL AWARD FOR GOING OFF-PISTE IN A GENUINELY AMUSING MANNER
Ally McCoist walks away with this one, for his take on mean and moody Pope’s Newc O’Rangers striker Alfredo Morelos, caught sneering like the love child of Marlon Brando and Billy Idol upon getting the hook against Dundee United. “I’d like a night with him at the comedy club. Just to see if we could get a wee reaction. A wee Christmas night at the comedy club. Do you fancy a bit of that, Alfredo? I can guarantee there’s never been a joke in any cracker that’s made him smile.”
THE PETER WALTON AWARD FOR UNCONDITIONAL AGREEMENT
Yes, that’s right.
THE SAM KINISON MEMORIAL AWARD FOR PERFORMATIVE ANGER
All the lads at AFTV, some of whom we’re beginning to seriously worry about now. No good can come of getting this het up, not least because things could be a whole lot worse. When Len Shackleton did for the Gunners in that aforementioned 1953 thrashing, Arsenal were left rock bottom of the First Division with just two points after eight matches. Compared to that, Mikel Arteta’s rabble are on easy street. The 1953 vintage ended the season comfortably in 12th, so history tells us there’s no need to lose the head so spectacularly quite yet. Would any of you like a nice cuddle? We’ll give you a nice cuddle.
THE FRIEDRICH HAYEK AWARD FOR MARXIST CRITIQUE
The group of fans at neoliberal thinktank Millwall FC, who just before kick-off against Derby County cogently made the case for laissez-faire capitalism over centrally planned economies, arguing that the absence of price signals under a socialist structure compromises the efficiency with which goods and services are provided and distributed, all the while admitting a certain irony inherent in the collectivist nature of their protest.
THE MAN-OF-THE-YEAR MARCUS RASHFORD AWARD FOR MAN WHO ISN’T MARCUS RASHFORD OF THE YEAR
Boris Johnson. Because every superhero needs a villainous rival to lock horns with. Think Batman and the Joker, Luke and Darth Vader, Winston Churchill and … ah, well, you get the drift.
THE DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA MEMORIAL AWARD FOR ANNOYING PETER SHILTON
Gazza – a man who knows a thing or two about unique, complex, misunderstood, beloved geniuses – paying his respects to El Diego on whatever TV-AM is called now. “He was an icon. He was magic! A lot of people go on about the Hand of God. It made Peter Shilton anyway. Shilts, it made you, that goal.” Across the split screen, a purse-mouthed Shilton sat staring ahead in grim silence, gently seething, almost as though he’d just received news of a deal, and we’ve signed away rights to all the fish.
ITV Football
(@itvfootball)“Shilts, it made you that goal!” ?
Classic Gazza on @GMB this morning discussing Diego Maradona’s infamous ‘Hand Of God’ goal
To see further tributes from Paul Gascoigne and Peter Shilton watch the full video: https://t.co/RtcN5XfHmq pic.twitter.com/wHT5OAbeP9
THE PAOLO ROSSI MEMORIAL AWARD FOR MOST ICONIC WORLD CUP HAT-TRICK OF ALL TIME
With the greatest respect to Geoff Hurst, this goes to the great Italian himself. Not least because all of his goals against Brazil at España 82 definitely went in.
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Right, aye. You are joking, aren’t you?
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
Send your emails, presents and Christmas cards to the.boss@theguardian.com.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, WE’LL BE BACK ON … OOF, MONDAY 4 JANUARY
[ad_2]
Source link