The Fiver | Time to do one apace to the Kerguelen Islands? | Football

ONE FOR THE REDS

Five more years. Five more years of that lot celebrating, grandstanding and hogging the news to such an extent that the only chance of escaping it all, and preserving what’s left of our sanity, is to source a wireless-free bunker in a less populous corner of the Kerguelen Islands. Yep, it’s a dark day for Everton and Manchester United fans, with the news that Jürgen Klopp has extended his contract at Liverpool until 2024. Klopp’s unique combination of heavy-metal football, infectious cackling, impressively low net-spend and official replica baseball caps has turned Liverpool into the best team in the world, a status that should be formally verified in Doha a week on Saturday.

Klopp had previously suggested he might take a sabbatical when his deal expired in 2022. But the fact he is on to such a ludicrously good thing has changed his mind. “This club is in such a good place, I couldn’t contemplate leaving,” he roared, gluing himself to the nearest wall to reinforce the point. “This is a statement of intent, one which is built on my knowledge of what we as a partnership have achieved so far and what is still there for us to achieve.” There’s plenty of the latter. All Liverpool-related focus has been on when they will win their first title since 1990. They haven’t done that yet, at least not officially, but it already feels like they are on the cusp of something far greater – the kind of dominance that would give millions of non-Liverpool fans painful flashbacks to the early-1980s.

Klopp’s team would probably have won the last two Big Cups had they signed Alisson a year earlier, and they have only lost one league game in the last 55. Even the great Pep FC have lost eight matches in that time. Liverpool’s best XI has no players in their thirties – sorry, Dejan – and they are about to sign another exciting youngster in Takumi Minamino. If their frankly terrifying intensity and energy levels show any signs of falling, Klopp can give them a little jump start by piping one of Slipknot’s less melodic numbers into their ears at 4,000 decibels.

The Fiver is rarely right about anything, but listen to us when we say that, depending on your allegiance, you should be afraid/excited, be very afraid/excited. Anything is possible for this team: unbeaten seasons, proper Trebles, Big Cup retention, Premier League retention. Nor can anyone accuse them of avoiding civic duty. If his display of finishing in Salzburg is anything to go by, Mo Salah is hellbent on saving football’s soul by obliterating the concept of Expected Goals.

A very good day for Klopp, getBrexitdonery aside, continued when he was named the Premier League Manager of the Month for the third time this season. Sadio Mané, who is simultaneously the best attacker in world football and the most underrated, was named Player of the Month. Their next test comes with Saturday’s apparent home banker against Watford, Liverpool’s last Premier League game before Christmas. One bookmaker is offering 5,000-1 against a Watford win. Admittedly, that bookie is our cardsharp cousin Fiver Responsibly, who had developed a revolutionary business plan: to offer stratospheric odds and then, should those odds ever come in, to do one apace to the Kerguelen Islands. We’re looking forward to his next visit.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“That’s what this club is: it’s more about the stands, the people, the fight. My dad likes watching games there, that touch of passion, like England. My personality fits [here] and that’s why they like me: they see me as a bloke who gives everything. That’s the Englishman in me, the loco inglés” – Osasuna’s Brandon Thomas gets his chat on with Sid Lowe.

FIVER LETTER

“Given that no amount of lying, discriminatory language, philandering or general scandal that would bring down most mortals seems instead to strengthen Boris Johnson’s power base, it occurs to me he seems to be modelling his career on owners of Italian football clubs. Whether he goes the full Paul Baccaglini and has the Conservative party logo tattooed on his chest is not something I’m in a hurry to find out” – Ed Taylor.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor, who bags a copy of Tackled. We’ve still got more prizes to give away, so get scribbling.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Clubs’ matchday programmes are saturated with gambling adverts and branding, including on pages aimed at children, according to a study. In one case highlighted by psychology experts, a logo for the online casino 888 featured as the answer to a Spot The Difference competition aimed at young Birmingham City fans.

Five more years of this dept: $tevie Mbe’s deal as Pope’s Newc O’Rangers manager has also been extended to 2024.

Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola insists his contract does not contain a break clause that could allow him to leave next summer.

In one of those painful pre-match press conference exchanges, Ole Gunnar Solskjær has been asked if he has any advice for Duncan Ferguson, his opposite number when Everton visit Old Trafford on Sunday. “He just needs to be himself – if you try to be someone else you are going to be found out in the end,” he tooted. “I’ve always tried to be myself and I’m sure Big Dunc is the same.”

And Harry Lennon has not-really-apologised for being filmed out with Dover players after his Southend side’s FA Cup defeat to the non-league side. “I apologise if I have unwittingly upset any supporter of Southend United,” he parped. “I was wearing my Southend United tracksuit and, with the benefit of hindsight, would have been best advised to have changed before going out.”

STILL WANT MORE?

West Ham and Manuel Pellegrini are mired in a mess of their own making. By Jacob Steinberg.

The Queen’s Celtic and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers may be through to Big Vase last 32 but go easy on the superlatives, writes Ewan Murray.

Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.

Bournemouth need fresh ideas from Eddie Howe to arrest their alarming slump, warns Eni Aluko.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

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