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DIARY OF A MADRID MAN
Try talking to Weird Uncle Fiver about the latest goings-on in La Liga and he’ll tell you to get a grip, oblivious to the fact that your right hand already has a firm hold of yourself. He, you see, is very much of the view that only pretentious wonks take an interest in Iberian football, especially at a time when there are so many intriguing matters to resolve in good old England, such as the progress of Arsenal under their dashing young manager, Manchester United’s £50m acquisition of a midfielder who can run and shoot, and Tottenham’s ongoing pursuit of someone called Willian José to keep warm the throne of Harry Kane MBE.
Truth be told, Weird Uncle Fiver would rather listen to Danny Mills give lectures on the discography of Vera Lynn than hear a preview of this weekend’s Madrid derby. Nope, unless it comes in a bottle or is hidden in the side-panels of an unremarkable car, there’s no point offering anything foreign to Weird Uncle Fiver. He absolutely doesn’t care that Atlético go into Saturday’s showdown at the Santiago Whatéver on their worst run of results since Diego Simeone took charge of them in 2011. Granted, he has always liked the cut of Simeone, who gives the impression he could start a fight with a clock if he didn’t like the look on its face, but it’ll take more than that for Weird Uncle Fiver to bother tuning in, especially as Madrid look set to be without their Welsh star, Ian Woosnam.
As they prepare to head across to their neighbours and the Spanish league leaders, Atlético also have a slew of players absent through knack, including ace goleador João Félix and top trolleador Diego Costa. England’s Kieran Trippier remains out of Weird Uncle Fiver’s mind. Simeone says everyone just needs to stay cool. “We need to work hard, look for answers [to our bobbins form] and make decisions, especially me; we need to regain our calm,” bawled the football manager most likely to treat a bat the way Ozzy Osbourne once did.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It will be long term. It was a bad twist. He says there was contact but it doesn’t look like there was contact. It looks like he has twisted the knee and there is a bit of swelling there and ligament damage. It was annoying for me because we were making a substitution and he said he was alright to carry on. But quite clearly after a couple of minutes that wasn’t the case” – a fresh and funky Neil Lennon, whose empathy was in short supply after substitute Mikey Johnston was forced off by knack in the Queen’s Celtic’s 3-0 win at St Johnstone.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’d missed the news that Colin Calderwood had been given the boot (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs), but was aware it had happened when I saw people retweeting the b@nter feeds suggesting there were actual (admittedly very long) odds on Football Weekly’s very own Max Rushden being offered the Cambridge United manager’s job. If employing a fan of the team – or a celebrity from nearby – really could revive a team’s fortunes, maybe my local team, Grantham Town should turn to notable Lincolnshire resident Geoff Capes to, ahem, strengthen their chances of avoiding relegation from Online Casino Northern Premier League” – Ed Taylor.
“Re: Tim Cole (yesterday’s Fiver letters). May I point out that ‘The Squirrels’ … coming out to anything by Dr Drey’ should have drawn nothing but the sound of applause from pun-lovers at Fiver Towers, not an admonishment from your Hip-hop Ed. Instead we heard only a wooshing sound far above your heads. A drey is the nest of a squirrel” – Colin Robertson.
“Is Kilmarnock the only club with a squirrel – in fact, two – on its badge? I think we should be told” – Peter Storch.
“I think I have something to trump all the others regarding tunes played before matches (Fiver letters passim). When I was fortunate enough to see the mighty Altrincham FC a few weeks ago at fortress Moss Lane, my ears were assailed, or should that be assaulted, before the match and during half-time by the unmistakable tones of Emerson, Lake & Palmer. I can tell you that Hoedown sounds no better now through a tinny PA system than it did the first time I heard it all those years ago. I mean, how can you have a band with no guitar?” – Steve Powell.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor, who wins a copy of the Blizzard’s: The Best of the First Five Years, signed by editor and Fiver colleague Jonathan Wilson. And if you like what you see, you can buy or subscribe to it here. We’ve one more to give away.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is right here. Tickets are also on sale for the next live show in London.
Heroic Villans, Liverpool march on and transfer nonsense
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City are through to the Milk Cup final after an aggregate win over neighbours United, although the semi-final second leg was marred by the behaviour of some fans.
On his way in to Old Trafford is Bruno Fernandes, while on his way to Estudiantes is gourmet toast chef Marcos Rojo.
Bloodless or not, Liverpool’s title charge is now 19 points in credit over their nearest Premier League challenger, after a 2-0 win at West Ham. “These boys I rely on,” cheered Jürgen Klopp. “I would give them my kids to take care of them, so I trust them 100%.”
Goals from Vivianne Miedema and Daniëlle van de Donk put Arsenal into the Continental Cup final, beating Manchester City 2-1.
Olivier Giroud’s list of high-end suitors is diminishing to the extent that Newcastle are being linked with him, along with Jarrod Bowen, who is also being chased by Crystal Palace.
And Norwich City have been given a motivational speech by golfer Danny Willett. He must have been swinging by the area. “The lads are obviously in a position where results could have gone better, but they’re still working hard,” he tooted. “It’s just really trying to give them an outlook on what happened to me and how I got over it, so hopefully I helped out a little bit.”
STILL WANT MORE?
How FA Cup replays could be scrapped without hurting clubs. By Eni Aluko.
Swansea’s Chelsea loanee Conor Gallagher gets his chat on with Ben Fisher about recovering from heart surgery and Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær tested Pep Guardiola with his tactical rejigs, even if it wasn’t quite enough, writes Jamie Jackson.
A classic sending off, goalkeeping japes and an animal on the pitch are among the clips in this week’s YouTube roundup.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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