The Fiver | Morphing into a near-post hologram to gift a much-needed goal | Football

PITCHFORKS FOR PICKFORD

Jordan Pickford is a complex character, a mass of contradictions who claims to have the hide of a rhinoceros but is apparently wrapped in quite thin skin. We saw the best and worst of him on Saturday, the Everton goalkeeper brilliantly saving a Christian Benteke header with his chest just a few minutes after he’d helped the hapless striker end his fabled drought by morphing into a near-post hologram to gift him a much-needed goal. The Crystal Palace striker’s subsequent effort from point-blank range wasn’t the only thing Pickford got off his chest, as he decided to unburden himself during a post-match interview in which he explained how impervious he is to criticism, while simultaneously conveying the distinct impression that it actually bothers him quite a lot. “I don’t let it affect me,” he said, before immediately contradicting himself. “But it does piss you off.”

Warming to his theme, the ambivalent Pickford suggested any criticism that comes his way is prompted by his status as an England player, rather than an England player who is enduring a conspicuous period of patchy, but hardly diabolical form. “It’s funny, because everyone raves about you when you are with England, but when you go back to your club everyone wants to slate you,” he grumbled. “Everyone hates you, for some reason, that’s part of being an England player. I think the press and everybody, the punters – look at Gary Neville – they just want to come for the England players. Everyone gets stick.”

While your nit-picking Fiver’s guessing Pickford meant to say “pundits” rather than “punters”, his decision to single out Neville suggests he has been proving to himself how much he doesn’t let criticism affect him by spending five months brooding over the Sky Sports pundit’s criticism of him for laughing in the immediate aftermath of another blunder that almost cost his side a goal in a game against Manchester City.

An undeniably good goalkeeper, Pickford has endured greater torment than being sanctimoniously berated by the punditocracy, having forged his reputation as the standout player in a Sunderland side that happened to be one of the worst teams in the history of the Premier League. While the trauma of shipping three or four goals week in, week out might have proved too much of a psychological burden for some young goalkeepers, Pickford had sufficient mental fortitude to earn himself the move that would ultimately lead to his installation as England’s No 1. With that in mind, it seems slightly odd that he gives two hoots what Neville, The Fiver or any other press box Johnny thinks of him at this slightly difficult time.

As Pickford has done little wrong for England, he seems likely to remain Gareth Southgate’s first-choice goalkeeper but is well aware that young pretenders Dean Henderson and Nick Pope (who is actually older than him) are snapping at his heels. “Doesn’t really affect me,” he said, when asked about the looming presence of the Sheffield United goalkeeper in his rear view mirror. “He’ll do what he’ll do and I’ll do what I’ll do.” And Southgate will do what he’ll do, after wrestling with one of several tricky selection dilemmas facing him in the weeks and months ahead.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Philip told me quite soon after we married that he loved me very much but I was a very close second to football and I’m not insulted by that in any way … we’ve been married 20 years and we’ve been together 23 years and he’s never even made me a drink, honestly” – Julie Neville explains P Nev’s uncompromising devotion to the beautiful game.

FIVER LETTERS

“Reading the story last week of the Newcastle fan’s graphic goal celebration, along with story regarding safe standing, got me thinking. Do we really want to provide English football fans with the opportunity to stand erect at games?” – Stuart Robertson-Reed.

“Following on from music played at the gladiators’ entrance I recall an excellent piece of music making by fans. Elland Road, 1970s, two members of Yorkshire plod walk in front of the away fans (Crystal Palace) leading to immediate rendition of Laurel and Hardy’s theme tune. Cue collapse of Nasty Leeds fans in rarely seen paroxysms of good humoured laughter” – Lloyd Mills.

“Bearing in mind his anti-football philosophy/tactics and fervent self-love, perhaps Portuguese Big Sam™️ would have been a better fit for the new Spurs manager” – Chris Brown, USA! USA!! USA!!!

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Lloyd Mills.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

The latest Football Weekly podcast is right here! And tickets are also on sale for the next live show in London.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

South Yorkshire police will hold a “full and open” investigation after a 16-year-old boy sustained a head injury after apparently being struck by a police officer following Barnsley’s 1-1 draw with Sheffield Wednesday at Oakwell.

Dele Alli has apologised for a video he posted in which the Spurs midfielder appeared to mock an Asian man and joke about the coronavirus outbreak.

Second-half goals by Lynn Williams, Lindsey Horan and Megan Rapinoe helped the USA! USA!! USA!!! to a 3-0 win over Canada in the Concacaf final.

Get ready to order Watford v Bournemouth on “Premflix”.

Real Sociedad boss Gonzalo Arconada reckons a 10-1 Spanish Cup final shellacking by Barça is a damning health check for women’s football in Spain. “We cannot compete with this Barça side,” sniffed Arconada. “The federation must decide if this is what they wanted.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Oldham are the latest Football League club lurching towards crisis. David Conn tells the story of disputes, unpaid rent and an empty stand.

Brentford defender Pontus Jansson gets his chat on with Ben Fisher about facing his former employers, Nasty Leeds, and his fresh and funky feelings when Zlatan put his cash into a club that wasn’t his beloved Mälmo.

Weekend talking points from the Premier League, Championship and Europe. You’re welcome.

Sid Lowe on Getafe and how they beat a far wealthier rival for a European place to a pulp.

Alex Morgan is seven months pregnant and still training with USA! USA!! USA!!! Here’s Suzanne Wrack on the striker’s refusal to switch her title from athlete to mother.

Romelu Lukaku upstaged Zlatan Ibrahimovic with a “Hollywood” ending in a Milan derby that was magnifico, whoops Nicky Bandini.

Leipzig popped the kettle on and kept the Bundesliga title race on the boil at Bayern Munich, writes Andy Brassell.

Dimitri Payet is back, baby, and still has a penchant for the outrageous.

Storm Ciara managed to STOP FOOTBALL at the weekend – and Jamie Jackson says it left Manchester City in danger of being rusty for their Big Cup clash with Real Madrid.

Filling a father’s lofty boots is a tough gig – Simon Burnton asks: will Pope’s Newc O’Rangers’ Ianis Hagi sink or swim?

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