Hold the back page: the battle for third, fourth and fifth place is on! | Premier League

GIVE ME FIVE

The Scottish Grand National, the Hell of the North that is the Paris-Roubaix bicycle race and the Masters at Augusta were among the sporting spectacles which Football Daily watched over the weekend while also keeping an eye on goings-on in the Premier League. And while we are happy to applaud the spirited efforts of also-rans such as – deep breath – Our Power, Grozni, Rock My Way, Mads Pederson, Wout van Aert, Florian Vermesch, Patrick Reed, Scottie Scheffler and Im Sung-jae, our interest in these not-football contests was certainly not piqued by the prospect of seeing who would finish third, fourth and fifth.

Sadly, with six rounds of fixtures left to go and nothing else left to play for in the Best League In The World™, the eight(ish)-team rumble for the three remaining places in next season’s Bigger Cup that won’t be occupied by Liverpool or Arsenal is the only remaining source of jeopardy in a top-flight campaign that isn’t so much ending with a bang as with an uncontrollable, contagious yawn Match of the Day viewers will have seen Newcastle substitute Anthony Gordon make no attempt to disguise as his side heaped more embarrassment on Manchester United. Surfing a tidal wave of confidence against a side who look marooned at sea in a rowboat without any oars, Newcastle’s easy win leaves them with a midweek game in hand and in pole position to take third place behind Arsenal, unless they happen to overtake a Gunners side whose largesse in the face of victory has now seen them cough up 16 points from winning positions in a title “race” they are currently losing by 13. Still, though … refs!

Still in third with their top-five destiny very much in their own hands, Nottingham Forest have chosen a bad time to wobble, although it is a measure of how surprisingly good they’ve been this season that losing twice in a row – for only the third time in a campaign many predicted to be a struggle against the drop – has prompted overwrought talk of a crisis at the City Ground. Making up the top five, Manchester City somehow contrived to make very heavy and light work of their match against Crystal Palace, due in no small part to the heroic efforts of a player the club has deemed surplus to requirements, even if his can-do attitude was instrumental in snatching an easy victory from the jaws of what initially looked like ending in another ignominious defeat. “My job is to play good football and help this team win games,” said Kevin De Bruyne, who may be forced to sit out City’s next match with the back-knack incurred from carrying his teammates for long periods of Saturday afternoon.

Still knocking on the door of qualification for next season’s Bigger Cup with varying degrees of volume, both Chelsea and Brighton had to settle for underwhelming draws, with the charisma vacuum that is Enzo Maresca further incurring the wrath of an already sceptical Stamford Bridge faithful by appearing to blame them for the two goals scored against his side by Ipswich Town. Meanwhile at Southampton, Aston Villa, a team currently knocking on more doors than a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses, maintained their hopes of making the top five with the obligatory win over Southampton. Lose their crunch match on Monday night and either Bournemouth or Fulham can probably kiss their faint hopes of Bigger Cup football next season goodbye. Make no mistake, with just 62 games of the season remaining, the battle for fourth place down to ninth is really starting to hot up.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Every time” – When asked if he would celebrate Wolves’ fourth consecutive Premier League victory with Tin, Old Gold manager Vítor Pereira was all-too-happy to live up to his “first the points, then the pints” flag at Molineux. “Work is work, but after the work we need to celebrate together. I need to feel the energy of these people and be part of the family,” added the Portuguese, who was later spotted in a Wolverhampton Wetherspoons pub, hugging and backslapping locals before getting stuck into some old-fashioned japes in front of the fruit machine.

“Is Football Daily, or whatever you are now called, losing its touch? I’m familiar with Barrrrrl, Basle and Baaaarl from previous Fivers but you referenced Basel four times on Friday. Where is this mythical place?” – Neale Redington.

“Regarding Conmebol’s suggestion to expand the men’s World Cup finals to 64 teams, I have an idea. Why stop there? How about 211 teams qualify for the finals? Now, that would be unwieldy, and I don’t know what country could host a tournament that large. So they could hold the round-robin stages locally, with teams from, I don’t know, perhaps the same continent grouped together. And then the top finishers from each local group, maybe 16 total, could all meet somewhere for the final rounds. Then, no one would suffer the pain and humiliation of missing out” – Dave Kramer (and 1,056 others).

“In Ben Fisher’s excellent article on Truro City, he quoted a potential 868-mile round-trip to Carlisle should the Tinners get promoted and the Cumbrians return to the National League. That journey is relatively easy, traffic congestion permitting, once you hit the M5 then the M6. A longer and more difficult round trip of 902 miles – M5, M42, M1 and A1(M) – would face Truro should Gateshead fail to secure promotion to the EFL via the playoffs” – Deryck Hall.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Deryck Hall. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.