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A REAL TEST
After leaving Thomas Partey, Martin Ødegaard, Gabriel Martinelli and Bukayo Sako on the bench for Arsenal’s match at Everton, Mikel Arteta could scarcely have made it more obvious he had an eye on the Bigger Cup quarter-final first leg with Real Madrid if he’d started with Gunnersaurus, Ty from AFTV and Win the training ground pooch at Goodison Park. As it happened, the players he did pick were in total control until Everton were awarded the kind of weird penalty that will have done little to deter the conspiracy theories of some Arsenal fans who are convinced English officials have an agenda against their club. At least they can go into Tuesday’s match safe in the knowledge that it is being refereed by a more accomplished and less gaffe-prone foreign referee. Specifically, one who prompted outrage by inexplicably ruling out what appeared to be a perfectly good goal scored by RB Leipzig against – oh dear! – Real Madrid in last season’s Big Cup.
While few people seem to be giving Arsenal a snowball’s chance in hell against reigning champions fabled for having the survival instincts of cockroaches in a nuclear winter when it comes to staying alive in Bigger Cup, Gunners fans have grounds for optimism. Real Madrid lost at home on Saturday and have failed to keep a clean sheet in any of their past eight games, a run in which they have conceded 13 goals. And then there’s the bad news: Kylian Mbappé, Vinícius Junior, Dani Ceballos and Antonio Rüdiger have all been cleared to play, despite fervent Arsenal prayers they might have to sit out the game alongside Aurelién Tchouaméni on an overcrowded Naughty Step following their unseemly celebrations after the shootout win over Atlético. Instead, three of the four players were hit with fines, while Viní Jr was acquitted of the heinous offence of “violating basic rules of decent conduct” when it came to goading fans of their city rivals.
Having successfully negotiated the Round of Arsenal with a 9-3 aggregate thrashing of PSV, Arteta’s side are likely to find goals more difficult to come by against Real Madrid. Mind you, they do enjoy a 100% success rate in European knockout ties against the 15-times Big/Bigger Cup winners. In 2006, Arsène Wenger’s side eliminated Madrid courtesy of Thierry Henry’s second-leg strike as Arsenal progressed to a final they would ultimately lose against Barcelona due in no small part to an early rush of blood to Jens Lehmann’s famously hot head. They will almost certainly need to score more than a solitary goal across 180 minutes to maintain their imperious record over Madrid, not least because the prospect of Mbappé, Vinícius Junior and Rodrygo bearing down on a makeshift defence featuring a ring-rusty Jakub Kiwior at full speed is enough to give even the most fearsome giant green furry dinosaur night terrors.
Taking on mascot duties of his own, Mikel Arteta implored fans to get to the Emirates sharpish in order to create a special atmosphere – or at the very least, an atmosphere. “I encourage them to come very early to the warm-up and create those nights that we haven’t lived many of at the Emirates,” he roared, as battalions of fans made plans to get to the ground in time to cheer. “We’re going to put in all the ingredients, everything that is in our hands, to play the game we want and take the game in the direction that we want.” Here’s hoping that whatever direction the game ends up going in, those on the journey end up enjoying the big-match experience as much as the hapless American tourist who got on the wrong boat and spent Saturday attending a Southend game by mistake.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
Sunday 6 April: “If we take the long road to come back here, I am ready” – a defiant Ivan Juric says he is already thinking about plotting a way back to the Premier League for Southampton after their relegation with a record seven games left to play.
Monday 7 April: “Ivan came to Southampton at a tough time and was tasked with trying to improve a squad in a difficult situation. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen performances progress the way we had hoped” – Juric can plan what he’ll do for an extended Easter break instead after being hastily bundled through the Saints’ door marked Do One. What’s Russel Martin up to these days?
Is the Manchester derby even an elite match anymore? What barometer can we use to measure the significance of this mid-table clash? Close observers of Pep Guardiola will know that during the top, top clashes, such as El Clásico, Der Klassiker and City v Liverpool, absolutely every time he’s on camera, Pep is hocking phlegm on to the touchline. It’s as if the mere possibility of a goal causes his juices to flow. For 90 minutes at Old Trafford he did not produce any spittle. Not even the tiniest dribble. All he offered was a half-hearted, resigned flob in injury time. This is all we need to know that the Guardiola-era has finally run dry and this former hotbed of salivating football is now unable to produce even the slightest bubble of moisture in the spittle glands of the Spaniard” – Jimmy O’Brien.
During the United-City snooze-a-thon, the camera panned to a stoic Eric Cantona watching the match from a secluded location. Even with the grey beard, flat cap, and oversized granddad sunglasses, Cantona looked like he still could do a job as a playmaker without too much effort. Same with the grizzled, haggard, and looming presences of Peter Schmeichel, Roy Keane, etc. glaring at the field. I know, I know that the 90s’ version of United wouldn’t last for a full match against the current generation. But are we sure that they couldn’t get to half-time with a 0-0 scoreline if we had a semi-serious friendly between the sides? Are we?” – Mike Wilner.
Seeing the weed-addled old Wembley stadium looking like a location from some sort of post-apocalyptic zombie film/TV series (Friday’s Memory Lane, full email edition) was disconcerting. Although obviously watching the England team at new Wembley is a totally different proposition to watching some lumbering undeads shambling around desperately searching for brains” – Matt Leuw.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Matt Leuw who wins a copy of Groundhopper, by Pitch Publishing. Visit their bookshop here. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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