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IT’S A STEAL
Not since Danny Ocean assembled a crack outfit of specialist rogues to rob three Vegas casinos in one evening has an 11-strong gang attempted a heist more audacious than that successfully pulled off by the footballers of Liverpool at Parc des Princes on Wednesday night. Not just beaten, but soundly hammered in every available metric apart from the only one that matters, Arne Slot’s hapless side were outrun, outfought, outpassed and quite obviously outclassed by a Paris Saint-Germain side that didn’t so much huff and puff in their attempts to blow their visitors’ house down, as harness the power of 10,000 hurricanes only to meet a lanky wall of heroically stubborn, luminous yellow resistance in the form of Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson. In recording nine saves, at least three of them absolute worldies, the Brazilian denied Ousmane Dembélé, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia (twice) and Désiré Doué, among others, before deciding to Get It Launched and set up the only goal of a wild game in which Harvey Elliott scored with Liverpool’s solitary shot on target.
“It was probably the performance of my life,” cheered Alisson, who was also complicit in another Bigger Cup robbery by brazenly stealing the thunder of his goalkeeping colleague, Wojciech Szczesny, who had been performing simultaneous heroics during Barcelona’s win over Benfica in Portugal. “The manager was telling us how hard it would be to play against PSG, how good they are with the ball and that we would have to be ready to suffer. We knew what was coming.” And suffer they did, as this new no-nonsense PSG side, finally rid of its pouting galacticos with their planet-sized egos, set about mesmerising the players representing the runaway leaders of The Best League In The World ™ with their fiendishly clever, high-speed pass-and-move wizardry.
Churning helplessly like laundry in a high-speed washing cycle, almost to a man Slot’s players were powerless to provide resistance in the face of an onslaught the like of which they have never before experienced under their Dutch manager, who admitted: “We are the lucky one tonight, that’s clear [to see] for everyone.” So lucky that even Ibrahim Konaté somehow stayed on the pitch when a first-half red card looked inevitable, while a splendid Kvaratskhelia strike was ruled out because half of one of his boots had strayed offside.
Like the remake referenced in this opening sentence, the Parisian white-knuckle ride is due an inevitable sequel and it’s to be hoped that, when the cast reassembles for next week’s return leg, the outcome won’t be as much of a letdown as the risible cinematic atrocity that was Ocean’s Twelve. Having been subjected to floodlit robbery on their own turf, PSG will travel to Anfield with revenge on their mind. But while they trail by only the most slender of margins, it will be be hard for them to ignore the notion that they are unlikely to play that well again, while it seems inconceivable that Liverpool’s 10 outfield players will be anywhere near as bad. “We don’t have anything to lose,” roared Luis Enrique upon being asked about his chances of turning this tie around. “Of course, we are going to do it.” In the meantime, Liverpool must host a Southampton side who are probably unlikely to set about them with quite as much gusto as their PSG counterparts.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The World Cup on home turf would be another monumental moment in our sporting history, driving growth and leaving a lasting legacy. The FA’s intention to bid has my government’s full support” – noted footer enthusiast and prime minister Keir Starmer backs the joint bid for England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales to host the Women’s World Cup in 2035.
Can I be the first of what I hope is at least 1,057 to show some appreciation for Ally McCoist on Wednesday night’s PSG v Liverpool commentary? In an age where it’s trendy to be cynical and critical, the man’s unbridled joy and infectious enthusiasm at what he was getting the privilege to witness, reminding us all of the reasons we fell in love with the game as children, is definite cause for celebration. It should be mandated that he’s on co-comms for all major games on all channels henceforth” – Gordon MacLeod (and no others).
Will Coldplay’s half-time show plans at the 2026 World Cup final (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) be funded by the Premier League’s ‘parachutes’ payments? Or is Gianni Infantino aiming to save money by giving Bristol Rovers’ veteran striker Chris Martin an unexpected late career boost?” – Alan Giles.
Given how long they sometimes take, Coldplay might be better off providing entertainment during VAR checks. ‘I was lost, I was lost, crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed’ would really help sell the disappointment of a tight offside call. And if it goes on long enough the ‘how loooong must you wait for it?’ chorus is ready to go” – Guy Stephenson.
Fifa overlord Gianni Infantino taking a key part in the STOP FOOTBALL campaign … who knew?” — JJ Zucal.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Guy Stephenson, who gets some Football Weekly merch. We’ll be in touch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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